School was good, but being a little effeminate did make my life hard. In my primary school some groups of friends used to kiss me on my cheeks and feel me up. I thought it was all in fun. Later I came to my senses they were never really my friends. That’s how my journey of being harassed started.
When I was 13 I used to love it when guys older than me showered me with some attention. (Who doesn’t?) Secondary school brought me some really good days. My friends accepted my being effeminate (well, most of them). I was constantly told by my guy friends to stop speaking so softly. I tried to change myself. I was never really aware that I was gay. Even my teacher once told me, “Karan Johar jaisa kyun baitha hain?” I wanted to grab her face and smash it in a pile of shit. On my last annual day of school I heard a teacher saying “Akshay ko Best Boy mat do. He doesn’t really act like a boy.” Bam! That was so damn cruel! Many such jokes followed. It kind of makes me laugh today that people who are supposed to be our ‘gurus’ have such mentality. In College I again went through the same things. My close friends used to call me a ‘princess’ (they are really good people) and they never really understood how much it broke me. So just to make people ‘stop thinking that I am a girl’, I got into a relationship. Initially I began to feel that maybe I was a bisexual and being with that really beautiful girl would pull me out of this ‘phase’. Believe me, that girl was gorgeous. Her being a potterhead and Fiction fan got me interested in her. But I was just trying to hide behind her. We never really got intimate.
Then after 12th, MBBS happened and I had to go to Nasik. Going to a new place was always scary since history always used to repeat itself. My seniors called me ‘Chikna’. Some of them still do.
OMEGLE! Such a wrong platform to talk to guys about your problems! Because all you get there are flying penises everywhere.
Finding a nice guy there is like finding a needle in a hay stack, but I guess my odds were better. I found one quickly. Hot, handsome, young and desirable Mr. X from Delhi. Sarcasm was his superpower. He used his harsh and blunt words to put some sense into me that it’s time I stopped ruining a girl’s life. I felt ashamed that I cheated behind her back by going online and doing such stuff. I came out to her.
“Saale chakke! Meri zindagi barbaad kar di tune! Ek saal ek gay ke saath rahi main! Ab tera ye raaz main sab ko bataungi!” this would be the reaction of some girls.
But her reaction was “Did you start watching saas bahu sagas?”
We both had a laugh. She felt betrayed but she decided to forgive me. We are really close friends at the moment, and she is one of the pillars that is keeping me going.
I came out to my four of my friends and my sister. I am not out to my parents yet, nor am I planning to until I am financially independent.
My sister has been a great support. We never discuss my being gay so much because it’s not really a big deal for her. She finds nothing wrong with me being gay.
“Ye Fashion designer itne dhille kyun hote hain?” “Saale mard ke naam pe dhabba hain” “Gay log aaj kal kaafi zyada aazad ghum rahe hain. Jail main dalna chaiye saalon ko” “AIB Roast main Karan ko dekhkar gay log kaafi open ho gaye hain”
These comments? Oh yes I forgot to mention. They are made by four of my homophobic roommates. Good people, but just ignorant about LGBT.
One of them harassed me for being effeminate. For him ‘harass’ was a strong word. He used to call it joking around. It pushed me to leave my room. That was the lowest phase of my life. All the comments I went through just left cracks in me, but this one just had crossed my threshold. I was broken into pieces. That guy who once was my best friend took a piece of me away with him. I didn’t leave the room since they apologized and told me to stay back. I stopped talking to the guy for the months. This made me so anti-social that when they are sitting next to me talking I used put on my earphones and rather listened to songs. He had a really bad accident (No, I didn’t curse him). And while we were taking him to the hospital all drenched in blood all he could say was “Sorry Akshay” repeatedly in a semi-conscious state. That was enough to break the ice. We talk now. But not like we used to before.
I am one of those person who opens up very slowly, holds grudges for a long time (really LONG) and if I am good at taking revenge I do it (bad luck that am not). So when someone hurts me and take away a piece of me, the probability of my retrieving the piece again is nil. They have a doubt on me that I am gay, since I never hand them my phone and they have seen me talking to many guys online. One of them even jokes about it: “Ye toh bas ladko se hi gandi baatein karta hoga.” Let them have their own doubts. It fun to keep people confused. I won’t be saying anything until I am done getting my degree. Because I can’t risk getting bullied in Nasik. Boys in the Hostel try all kinds of things in their room with each other. Still they are straight (pseudo-straight) and homophobic.
On behalf of every confused guy who is just dealing with him being gay, I thank every page (like Yaariyan, Harmless Hugs and Saathi) which exists to make us feel that we aren’t different. We are H.O.P.E (Humans of Planet Earth).
Pen Name :