Letter to Ma

Dear Ma,

You have been part of the most important moments of my life and I love you so so much. You are the closest to me and hence I want you to really know me. Ma, I don't know when will you be reading this letter but I have written this on October 10.

Ma, I am gay. That means that I like boys and not girls.

Please be calm and don't be worried and read on. I am just the same little son of yours as always with just some new information about me and nothing really is different. I know that you might be sad, worried, disappointed or maybe even angry with me, but this isn't really something I chose but something that I seem to be so from my birth. Like, having blue eyes or being left-handed. And according to all the research that I have done, this cannot be changed.

You are the one who matters the most to me in the world and it kills me daily to be thinking that you don't know me fully. Your understanding is what I seek and opinions and judgements of other people don't really matter. As long as my loved ones will accept me for who I am, I want nothing more in the world.

I know some people may have problem with this and some may not like me, but I think it isn't really something to be ashamed about. This is how I am and I want to be happy the way I am. Sometimes I think, you already knew this about me.

Ever since I reached puberty and probably got some maturity about the world, I have understood that there was something different about me. I happened to not be passionate about things that usually boys do. I thought it was a phase but then I realized that this was not a phase but a part of my identity. But I couldn't tell it to anyone because I thought it is wrong and that people will hate me. I have buried this as a secret in my heart and decided to zip my lips forever. But it ate me from inside to hide things from you. I don't want our relationship to be shallow and hollow. I want you to know me, know your son as I am, not as an IITian but for all my flaws and weaknesses because I feel safe with you. I feel that with you, I don't have to be scared like I have to from the world. Maybe that is why lately, I am not very open to you or dad because I think I have to hide things from you.

I am not sure what you think of me now Ma. This is probably the hardest thing in my life to do and I am very nervous as I type these words. The feeling of dissapointing you is so immense, I am very sorry if I have hurt you but I want to live a open happy life where my loved ones know who I am and I am not just what society wants me to be. In any case, one thing that won't change is that I love you so much and the fact that I want to share this with you means that I want us to be close and happy.

http://www.bottomlinepublications.com/content/article/home-a-family/what-to-say-if-your-child-is-gay

This is an article that may give you some hindsight on the issue. There are so many people like me and it is estimated that 10% of the population is homosexual.

So 1 out of 10 people may be gay, and actually some may also be among the people we know but are too scared to be open as they fear that they will be judged. Ma, this isn't something that is the result of bad upbringing. Please never bring that thought in your mind, because you were the best parents I could ever have and I respect you for everything you did for me. It is not something I chose. Why will I chose a life with fear of being judged and criticised. I cannot change and I don't want to live all life being ashamed and feel guilty as the society expects me to.

You may think that this is the result of all the western ideas or Anti-God ideas I have, but Ma, I don't think I have ever been 'inspired' to be who I am. I always was so. Please talk to me, I need you so much now. Please don't hate me because that will hurt me so much. I cry everytime I think that I have to hide things from you.

Armaan

The letter is penned by a 20 year old student from IIT Kharagpur who has just started discovering himself and figuring out his identity. He chooses to be anonymous not out of shame of his orientation but because of the inner questions that he feels he needs to address before letting others know.